The Asian Dynasties

Alright, so I read one of the guides that tells one how to actually get ready for and play this game. That person must have been wearing a dress when writing it. Everyone who plays AOE3 is a real man, whether they know it or not. The premise of this game is WAR; you SHOOT other units and they BLEED; when you win in BATTLE, your men celebrate their victory in BATTLE. I would also like to mention the CANNONS, the BURNING BUILDINGS, the HUNTING of animals, and FISHING. I emphasize certain words simply because they further illustrate the manliness of this epic. Yet, it is an injustice to play this game like a girlie-girl. Therefore, I present to you a testosterone-packed guide to getting ready for and playing AOE3...

Pre-Game
Before one sits down at their computer and clicks the AOE3 logo, they should be ready; how, exactly, does one accomplish this?

(1) Food - You cannot play hungry; ensure that you are completely nourished. I recommend a bag of beef jerky and a pint of Heineken. What's that...you're under 21? Oh.....STFU PRISSY. If you are willing to play a game that has GERMANY in it, you had better damn well be willing to down a few drinks. The jerky is dried meat; chock-full of protien and rugged Man Taste; the beer is merely a masculine compliment that also loosens you up and makes you feel indifferent to slaughter and bloodshed...

(2) Clothes - No nakedness at the computer chair; we are men, not exhibitionists. My panel of body-builders and lumberjacks recommends a mixture of athletic gear and flannel; perhaps a flannel shirt coupled with a Green Bay Packers jacket, with rustic jeans to match. If it's hot where you live, a flannel t-shirt and cargo shorts with hiking boots will suffice.

(3) Hygiene - The smell of man is sweetness to your own nose, but not to those around you. Ensure that you have showered and that you are wearing plenty of Old Spice, Axe body spray, or Stetson cologne (all at once is preferred). If you have none of the above, a dash of steak sauce will work fine...

(4) Environment - This is important; your room must be well-lit, with plenty of televisions to keep track of all your sports shows and war documentaries. Also, posters of sexy women on the walls is an added bonus and will help to motivate you when you are sacking your daffodil-girlie-man opponent's town center.

In Game

Once you are ready to play....THEN F-ING PLAY! WTF are you waiting for?! But....keep these things in mind:

(1) Keyboards - Make sure your keyboard is titanium-plated (or something on-par). It is expected that a man takes out his frustrations on inanimate objects when things do not go his way. This has been observed in places such as malls, playgrounds, stadiums, and jungles.

(2) Your Opponent - Your adversary is a piece of crap who never got picked to play in team sports, who likes Barbies, and who probably thinks American Idol is "Oh, like, totally cool!" Remind your opponent of their shortcomings as a man; make them feel like a little princess who can only watch the Good Ol' Boys at the poker table. Perhaps demand a sandwich, a massage, or that they wash your laundry and get you more beer (Heineken).

(3) Mercy - There is no such thing. If you show mercy, then you obviously need a pink dress and a Martha Stewart guide to cooking, you f-ing fruit cake. Real Men crush each other without any signs of remorse.

(4) Defeat - If you happen to lose a game, it is EXPECTED that you shave your chest hairs, your leg hair, wax your eyebrows, polish your nails, and put on a pair of panties...BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

Post Game

The only thing we will discuss here is victory, because a real man ALWAYS WINS...ALWAYS.

(1) Congratulate Your Opponent - You have just pillaged their manhood and removed all of their masculinity. Good job; congratulate them on making you that much more powerful.

(2) Celebration - A real man celebrates after winning a war; this should include beer (...Heineken), sex, red meat, rioting, football, UK or German flags, massive explosions, and CNN Breaking News coverage.

That's all; now go play.

Contributing Editors to This Guide: Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee, Clint Eastwood, Jack Palance, Robert Redford, Al Bundy, and the English National Football Team.

This is a must pin. Great guide for people who have yet to grow a pair, not including those of the female gender of course. But they can do it figuratively.

I'm partial to Beef Jerkey in a bowl if Tabasco Sauce. Cereal of champions.

I hope not

that was friken hillarious!!! it needs a warning though 'Do not read at work!' , I laughed out loud a few times and I am at work... all i could do was growl back at everyone when they looked at me funny...

I think i am getting your web persona :}

looooool.

I'm a man, a manly manly man!

*ends blatant commercial ripoff*

What you're saying in the defeat part contradicts unless you have a 100 win %, you're calling your self a girl even though you think your self to be a real man

Owned

This post has been edited by Thranduil: Mar 22 2007, 22:17 PM

haha, gj
if you´re 16 just go to germany to buy the beer

hahahahahahhahaha. Great! Finally an end to the tedium of serious posts!

Lols... kk, I laughed.

I haven't been posting seriously for ages now Jamal, clearly you dont read many of the topics

In the defeat part, I clearly explain that if you lose, then you are a less than a man. Thus there is no contradiction but an explanation of what happens to you if you do lose; you are no longer a man!

By the way...real men do not "own" or "pwn". They conquer, obliterate, and/or ransack. This "ownage" that you speak of is relegated to pre-teens and girls.

DanaEileithyia...admit that your testosterone level jumps by at least 10% when you play this game.

lol, i think that's an order dana

a real man wears his napoleon uniform while playing AoE, not a dress

But still,you are no longer a man in your opinion ,don't tell me you never lost.

This post has been edited by Thranduil: Mar 23 2007, 22:48 PM